NOTE TO SELF â Do NOT wear happy, sparkly shirts through the security line. TSA agents donât like happy, sparkly shirts and theyâll get out their âwandsâ and wave it over the sparkles and then haul your tush a few feet away so they can swab your hands for bomb making materials. Iâm not even kidding. I couldnât leave until the machine the swabs went into said I was "safe".
I feel that lady's pain! |
Iâm sorry⦠What?
âYou could be hiding anything in that dress.â
Are you freakinâ kiddinâ me? I said, âIâll happily take it off and go through naked if that would speed up the process.â Because â remember â weâre gonna miss our flight! (And I know that guy in Portland who stripped down to his birthday suit won in court against the SSâ¦erâ¦I mean the TSA. So I know the law is on my side in this).
âThereâs no need for that attitude maâam.â
Oh I beg to differ. There is EVERY need for my attitude, you sparkly-shirt-long-dress-hatinâ-power-hungry-blankety-blank (In my head there werenât blanks, but this is PG rated blog).
âIâm going to miss my flight. I really will go through naked.âAnd I would have if this female TSA agent hadnât showed up when she did.
She needed to pat me down. And she needed to explain everything she needed to do in excruciatingly slow detail. âOk. Iâm gonna run my hands over your bra.â
Fine. Just do it.
âOk. Now Iâm going to pat down your sides.â
Yeah, yeah, just hurry the heck up!
âOk. Iâm going run my hands along the inside of your thighs.â
Just freakinâ molest me all ready, but hurry the heck up! Iâm going to miss my freakinâ flight!!!!
Youâd think after I went through the pat down Iâd be done, but NOOOOO⦠I had to have my hands swabbed for bomb making materials.
Again.
I wish I was kidding. Apparently people who make bombs wear sparkly shirts and maxi-dresses. Who knew, right?